Boundaries

May I offer you some feedback?

Have you ever seen Netflix’s movie, “Wine Country”? My cousin introduced me to the film and it’s my go-to movie when I need a laugh and feeling of comradery with my fellow women. There is one scene in the movie in which Brené Brown makes a cameo appearance that touches on the topic of “boundaries”. If you do not know who professor Brené Brown is, I encourage you to review her work. She is known for her research on shame, vulnerability, leadership and for her widely viewed TEDx talk.

The gregarious group of women friends in the movie are gathered at a restaurant in Napa, celebrating the 50th birthday of one of their besties. The group of BFFs spot Brené Brown dining with her own group of friends and debate whether to approach her or not, as they are huge fans of her work. After deciding to let her be, the group of friends abruptly change their minds and quickly swarm Brené and her friends. They pepper her with questions on topics such as conflict transformation, “braving the wilderness” (referring to one of Brené’s books) and being generous about one’s assumption of others. Brené immediately and ever so coolly responds, “Here’s the thing, we can’t be generous towards other people without boundaries so…boundaries” as she motions her hand in a circle as if she is creating an invisible barrier between them.

I love that scene because it is incredibly relatable! How often have you often thought of the need to create certain boundaries with people in your life? The answer is most likely “all the time”. But how often do we actually set and hold firm to those boundaries? Hmmm…I can only speak for myself, but it would have to be “not often enough”, which is something I am working on as part of self-care.

Rewind to the 1970’s and 1980’s. I was brought up in a traditional Latino household and taught to respect my elders, respect authority, and most importantly, to respect my parents. There was a “do as I say and not as I do” mentality from my parents or other elder relatives that I have found fairly commonplace for those brought up in my generation or earlier. It was a habitual of environment of saying ‘yes’ to every request or summons. I honestly remember very few times that I ever pushed back on anything that my parents told me, even if I really wanted to, out of fear of being punished. I’m not bashing my parents because I know that they did their best out of love and protecting their children from the harms of the world. But I now understand why I have struggled most of my life with setting boundaries because I am a habitual people pleaser and peacemaker.

I encourage you to watch this video where Brené Brown talks specifically on the importance of boundaries and how it affects our relationships, especially the relationship with oneself. It’s a little over five minutes in length, but well worth a view.

Before truly doing the work and learning to practice self-care, I did not realize what setting boundaries truly meant or entailed. Saying “Yes” or “Sure, no problem” to a request was easier to me at that moment, rather than letting myself feel the discomfort of saying “No, I can’t take that on” or “My plate is full.” But it came at a cost – inwardly I would feel some resentment or anger (mostly at myself) that I allowed myself to cave. And on the rare occasions that I would push back or say “No, I can’t” …I immediately would apologize or overexplain myself as to why I said no. I couldn’t just leave it as a simple “no”. I am thinking right now that some of you may relate to this. If you don’t, kudos to you. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, especially for those who do not want to disappoint others or feel as if they are being selfish. Women often tend to succumb to the myth that we are supposed to do it all (and perfectly). We often tell ourselves that we need to be the best daughter, friend, mother, professional, and many other roles we assume. If we dare to say ‘no’ to a request, we tend to hear the nagging inner voices coming from shame that tell us “You’re not a very caring person” or “You’re being selfish.”

In my career as a Human Resources Manager, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I pushed back against certain behaviors or actions from managers that could have jeopardized the company or an employee’s well-being. I had no issue in doing this because it was the right thing to do. So, why was it easier for me protect someone or something else in my professional life than it was to protect myself in my personal life? I found myself exhausted from pushing back all the time at work that I didn’t feel as if I had the energy to push back at home. It seemed easier to just say “yes” a majority of the time, but it was at a great expense for which I would later pay a huge price. I ended up spiraling into a world of depression, self-loathing, and despair. As of late, I continue to work on checking myself and my inherent desire to keep the peace and make everyone happy at my expense. My work in therapy has helped me realize that it’s okay and healthy to do what’s best for me and still be loving to others.

I am learning that setting boundaries is actually a healthy act of self-care and self-love. As Brené Brown said, and in a way that resonates to me….

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can't base our own worthiness on others' approval (and this is coming from someone who spent years trying to please everyone!). Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say "Enough!" 

This will be a continuous process for me to be mindful of my needs and to express to others what is okay with me and what is not. However, I already feel a shift inside from respecting my well-being and authenticity. It is opening up the floodgates of creativity and self-expression that I have suppressed for a long time. And I am thankful for this journey.

With gratitude,

Kristie